School, moma and other stuff.

I've been in fashion for about five years now, on and off. I started as a model and then it sort of progressed from there. Mostly it was a bunch of fortunate/unfortunate twists that led me to where I am now. It's a surprise really. I would have never really suspected it, but here I am. When you are young older will people always tell you that you can't really imagine what life has in store for you. You believe them of course, but you can never really imagine the vastness of which they really speak. We think they mean we never know who we will marry or where we will live. It never really occurs to us that we can't even plan who we will be. The very way our brains will organize themselves to see the world through our eyes is unpredictable. So we might very well just become anything. The trouble is that accepting this fact is a very scary prospect. It's hard to let go. Even now my mother gives me the 'eye' when the subject of going back to school comes up. You know, years ago I would have never imagined that I wouldn't get a PhD. I was so good at school it never crossed my mind that once I finished college I might never go back. My advisor warned me about it, my mother lost sleep over it, and I didn't even see it comming, right up to the day when the degree came in the mail. I remeber that moment, getting that degree. That little paper represented my entire life up to that point. I had gone through advanced programs, excellency awards, scholarships, endowments, high grades, everything. Just for that peice of paper. School was the entire way I saw the world. And then one day, it was over. Everything I had ever done was sealed off, encapuslated, summed up, vindicated and validated, by this one little piece of paper.

I skipped my graduation. I didn't know anyone who would have been there. When I looked at that paper I think I might have dropped one little tear. Maybe. But then I just shrugged.

The albatross that we hang around our necks are conceptual models of how we are supposed to interpret and percieve our own lives. When we realize that the rope that binds us to them is nothing more than our own fear of the unknown, the skulls drop away from our necks and plung into the sea.

I should have never been defined by school or by academia. But I don't regret having been. We come to peace with who we are, despite the pain such a metamorphasis might bring. So, no more PhD. Truthfully, if I went back to school, I can't imagine what it would be for. The things I hunger for now can't be taught, they must be lived. School might always be an option, but living my life is not. Truthfully, the path that passes through libraries, doctorates, and masters, is far too certain for me. When I sleep, I dream. But I've never had nightmares of failure. Success is a luck you build from the inside. You might be right, you might be wrong, but regardless you've got to believe in yourself. Even if no one else believes in you, you've got to believe in yourself. It might sound silly, but the light you create on the inside, will always be there to see you through.